Ladies and gentlemen, it is with the deepest volume of ecstasy imaginable that we announce today that Rickard Wallin has decided to move out of Peter Chiarelli’s Secret Underground Laboratory (his Toronto home) and settle back in to where he was truly meant to be: Ikea Farjestad.  Though the contract which our dearly beloved Goggles has signed allows him to opt out should he come to an agreement with a professional American team before July 15th, Wallin has all but turned the page on a profoundly traumatizing chapter in his life and made it quite clear that he’s looking for a new home, a new contract, a new beginning.  The Reading Royals are believed to be in hot pursuit of Wallin’s disservices.

It was a long and miserable journey for both parties profusely hurt by the relationship, but it was a journey that did not go without it’s redeeming moments.  

For example, Rickard Wallin managed to snipe one top shelf on the 2009-2010 season’s most overrated wash-up Martin Brodeur.  It was a memorable moment that shed pure joy on all that had seen him struggle so mightily throughout the year.  In fact, Greg Millen even proclaimed at that very moment that Rickard was the most liked Marleaf in the dressing room.  But as the celebration continued, as his smile held high from ear to ear, we should have known not all was well.  We should have known that Rickard was cursed, for on that same night Rickard summoned the darkness amongst him to hand the Maple Leafs what is shockingly not remembered as their most devestating loss of the season.

With just four minutes to go, the Maple Leafs were looking for a convincing second straight win since the heralded deals that saw the Leafs take on a new calendar system known as A.B. (After Blake).  But it was not to be, for the great Greek God of What-The-Fuckery Danius Zubrus scored, which lead to an ensuing Devils powerplay because of a classic “dammit Alexei, another dumb penalty late in the game?” moment.  Travis Zajac slapped it up top over Rickard’s best friend’s shoulder in the dying seconds of the third, which on the next play lead to yet another goal, this time scored by the legend that is Jay Pandolfo.  Yes, the comeback of epic proportions had come complete.  The Devils won 4-3 in regulation on the night Rickard Wallin scored his first NHL goal in six years.

But Rickard would later make up for his wrongdoings, scoring a nail-on-the-coffin, not-a-highlight-reel-goal-at-all, empty net goal on the Ottawa Senators in the month of March that would help ensure the Maple Leafs season series victory over the mighty Senatards.  Yes, it was on this night that he shed the name “Bait for Best Friend of the Monster” and truly lived up to his equally shitty name, Rickard.

Now although Rickard Wallin may never be remembered for his offensive prowess (outside of the Swedish Elite League of course), he was indeed a man raved about for “doing all the little things right” by such omnipotent broadcasters as Joe Bowen and Joe Bowen again.  To suggest Joe Bowen is anything less than a purebred schizophrenic would be utter insanity, but that’s beside the point.  For months Bowen and his crew members would rave about how Wallin is an unappreciated defensive stalwart, which is without question backed up by his 44.5 face-off win percentage, his 33 blocked shots and his -7 rating.

Do not underestimate his kind soul and veteran leadership though, for without Wallin it would never have been possible for the Maple Leafs’ to make their worst start to a season in franchise history, going eight games without a win that would ultimately banish the Leafs’ to the basement of the NHL, which is fantastic considering the Maple Leafs do not hold a first-round pick this year or next.  Yes, without Goggles, the already stagnant locker room could have never been deflated to the point where half the team has to be traded for an equally infamous Swedish maestro known as Frederik “Sjobacca” Sjostrom.

Fly away sweet Rickard, spread your wings and fly right back to your condo in Farjestad and live the rest of your days in sweet prosperity.  We hardly knew ye, and we hope we never do.

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