Tomas Kaberle, the only player on the Toronto Maple Leafs with more than two years spent playing for the team, has been traded to the United States of America for the entire State of Minnesota.
Kaberle, along with throw-in and Toronto Marlies team Captain Ben Ondrus, are heading to the North American nation in exchange for Minnesota, the thirty second state in the United States Union. The twelfth largest by area, and twenty first by population, Minnesota is most well known to Canadians for being a border state of Manitoba and Ontario, and for their hockey teams – the Minnesota North Stars of 1967 to 1993, and the Wild of 2001 to present.
To make the deal possible, a lot of intense negotiations occured. The United States had to get under the NHL limit for total cities before making a trade, hence this being the first land-for-player trade in the history of hockey. The original offer saw the State of Alaska and the City of East St. Louis, Illinois being offered to Brian Burke and his Leafs, countered by saying they want no interest in Alaskan resident Sarah Palin, along with the fact that East St. Louis was the only place in the world that could possibly be too truculent to own.
With the Leafs rejecting this offer, the United States quickly shipped the city of El Paso, Texas to the Great Nation of North Korea in exchange for all of their nuclear warfare info (which turned out to be a print out of the article for Hiroshima, Japan). The Glorious Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-il (sorry… they’re paying us to mention them positively) then used the city as a bargaining chip to trade the National Soccer Team to Mexico for their squad, ranked much higher in the world rankings and in the Round of 16 in the 2010 FIFA World Cup.
The State of Minnesota that Toronto gets in the deal was acquired by the United States in the expansion draft of 1858.
“I think what we saw recently is the Tomas Kaberle that has been evolving for some time now. He’s probably one of the premier scapegoats in the world,” United States President Barack Obama told the Associated Press in a conference call early Friday. “He’s capable of being blamed for anything, at least, and being used as a bargaining chip without reason or promise”
Kaberle, 32, has been a consistent defenceman for the Leafs for about a decade now, but the pursuit of trading him has been ongoing, since the 2008 NHL trade deadline, in which a deal involving Jeff Carter and a 1st round pick was vetoed by the Czech defender using his No Trade Clause. Since then, the fans have been rabid to get rid of him, and starting tomorrow night, his no trade clause goes away for about a month and a half.
At 225,181 square kilometres, Minnesota has 5,266,214 people, and many professional sports teams that Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment are considering plucking from the grasp of the state, particularly the Minnesota Vikings NFL Franchise, on the condition of a Brett Favre retirement. The Minnesota Twins may be in play as well, in hopes to force the non-MLSE Toronto Blue Jays out of town, and to make Joe Mauer surely go emo.
As for how this all started? Barack Obama accidentally went to the media area of the G20 summit, where he found Ben Ondrus doing janitor work (the building is, after all, attached to Ricoh Coliseum, where the Marlies play). He liked Ondrus’ moxy, but found a Brian Burke adamant on trading Kaberle.
Perspective on this trade…
United States
The 234 year old nation finds itself with one of the best assets a country can have – a professional scapegoat. Someone who can try their hardest, do rather well, particularly for their salary, and be a very nice guy, than be blamed by everyone for the nation’s problems, having them demand an impeachment. Should Barack Obama do anything that makes his country furious, Kaberle will be the one to blame, no doubt, taking tons of pressure off the rest of the government.
Toronto Maple Leafs
The 83 year old NHL franchise acquires a place to test market new MLSE business ventures, like extensions of the Real Sports brand, the WNBA, under-ice luxury boxes, and many, many more. The Mall of America gives the Ontario Teachers Pension plan yet another massive mall to add to their collection. And, if Burke plays his cards right, this may be the only way of trading Jeff Finger and Mikhail Grabovski for Mikku Koivu, Cal Clutterbuck, Brent Burns, and a 1st round pick without the NHL going into a panic.
North Korea
The Glorious, Great Nation now has a soccer team that’s got a remote chance of winning the FIFA World Cup. At the very least, the state-run media can use this as a ways of propaganda by saying they’ve advanced to the Round of 16 and subsequently felt it was good enough, and that they could go home. Also, when people question the new look and language of the team when they return, it can be used to say that the evil of the outside world changes appearance and makes you speak in tongues. It all makes perfect sense.
Mexico
The North American Nation that everybody forgets is North American gains 665,055 people to its roster, 665,053 of them people who left for free agency over the years, for whatever reason.
Minnesota
This is a very good move for the average person in Minnesota. Not only do they disassociate themselves with the wild, crazy United States and become peaceful, friendly Canadians (well, officially, that is), getting rid of a few sports teams will bring some calmness to the few energetic and unruly sections of the state. They’ll tell you its a gosh-darn shame, but they’re rather happy about it, trust me.
Tomas Kaberle
He’s pretty much just happy that he, for once, will get yelled at for doing nothing and actually have it be true. Well, at least he will be until he’s asked to reverse the National Debt.
Ben Ondrus
As the President’s janitor, he’ll make more money than he ever would’ve with the Marlies, including owning a broom that according to paperwork cost $450,000! Must be diamond cored, or something.
Manitoba
True North Sports and Entertainment are planning on accusing MLSE of owning two teams at the same time in the next few weeks, in hopes of being able to relocate the Wild to Winnipeg. At least after the Leafs gut them silly.
All in all, today’s move was a fantastic one by both sides, and we’re really happy to see it go down. HFBoards is still in a tizzy because there was no first round pick, Brayden Schenn, or Bobby Ryan involved, but you can’t please everybody, you know?
