This is more of a personal tangent than anything, I’m not going to lie. This isn’t really something that goes in the media (though it kind of does), and it sure as heck isn’t happening in actually front office trade/signing discussions, but its a phenomenon that you definitely see throughout the internet, and that’s fan speculation and trade proposals. Depending on exactly where you go to, the quality of such armchair GM hopes and predictions varies, but its always there. To make matters worse, they seem to always be about the same 20 or 25 players around the NHL. And most of them are complete and total pipe dream’s, for various reasons. So here’s 13 of them that I frankly just can’t stand hearing rumors for, plus 2 bonuses.

Bobby Ryan

Why He’s Speculated: The consensus opinion amongst Leafs fans regarding the Ducks Right Winger is that due to the fact that he hasn’t signed an extension yet, he’s unhappy in Anaheim and is seeking a way out. With the fact that Burke drafted him considered, many think the Leafs would be first in line to nab the young star.

Why He’s a Pipe Dream: Probably the fact that his lack of signing doesn’t mean that there’s any problems? He’s never indicated any in the past, and many of the major RFA’s remain contractless. He has friends on the team, he’s doing well, and they have money to spend with Neids gone.

Patrick Sharp

Why He’s Speculated: After their rather fantastic 2010 Stanley Cup Victory, the Chicago Blackhawks found themselves in a bit of a cap crisis. There were rumors that the Hawks would have to start dumping players for peanuts to get under the cap, and resign expiring players. Of course, the Leafs fans go for the cream of the crop.

Why He’s a Pipe Dream: Minus the fact that they’ve already cleared a pile of cap space by trading Dustin Byfuglien and Brent Sopel for a kings random somehow (seriously, nobody knows how), if they have to take another go at clearing people, they’ll look to lesser players before Sharp.

Rick Nash

Why He’s Speculated: This one is rather obvious, seeing as he’s arguably one of the most speculated “will be a Leaf one day” players of all time. Nash was on the lists of many for years to sign here as a UFA this year due to his Brampton birthplace, and stabbed the hearts of many when he signed a long term extension in Columbus.

Why He’s a Pipe Dream: Ignoring the fact that he’s the captain of the Blue Jackets, Nash also has a contract that runs for a rather long time at a very high cap hit (8 years at 7.8 million). One would think that for a guy who’s been a point per game once in his career, that would be a bit much, but Local Boy Syndrome strikes as usual.

Brad Richards

Why He’s Speculated: The Dallas Stars are known to be in the crossfire of a bit of financial mishap around Tom Hicks, who’s running low on money. With Richards set to make $7.8 million next year (UFA after that), people think the Leafs can swindle the Stars into a Salary Cap Dump.

Why He’s a Pipe Dream: The Salary Cap Floor prevents them from dumping too hard, and they’re already close to it for next year. They may have people to sign still, but even then, they certainly won’t dump their best player by a good margin when his high salary is keeping them friendly to the CBA, along with his skill resulting in 91 points.

Stephen Weiss

Why He’s Speculated: The poor man’s rick Nash. Born in Toronto, raised in Markham, fans swoon over him as a 1st line centre for this team, claiming a rebuilding Florida would need to dump him to move forward.

Why He’s a Pipe Dream: Because wouldn’t the top player not named Tomas Vokoun on the Florida Panthers, who’s still only 27, be a good thing to keep? Also, there’s the issue that pops up with Brad Richards as well, being that the team is already at a low cap total. Dale Tallon made his big moves shipping off Ballard and Horton, and expecting any more of him would be expecting too much.

Brayden Schenn

Why He’s Speculated: Well, he’s got a brother that’s a relatively decent NHL defenceman at a year older, and happens to play for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Therefore, he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, and the two of them together is quite literally the key to the team winning the Stanley Cup.

Why He’s a Pipe Dream: Dean Lombardi would be rather obvious to the reasoning why the Leafs would want to acquire him, and ramp up the price. On top of this, blood aside, does having the two together mean anything? They’re two entirely different players playing different positions, shades of the Niedermayer brothers, except that they wont combine to be as good.

Jason Spezza

Why He’s Speculated: He’s from Mississauga, knows how to pass rather well, and is said to be accepting of a trade out of Ottawa, leaving a bunch of people in “an enemy of my enemy is my friend” mode, so to speak.

Why He’s a Pipe Dream: The Cap hit is rather high (7 Million per year), he’s not demanding a trade, rather just saying that he wouldn’t be entirely against it, meaning if offers are weak, Spezz will stay. Laughs way too much. Would require Ottawa and Toronto to do something unprecedented, and make a trade of massive significance with each other, which is unlikely to say the least.

Jeff Carter

Why He’s Speculated: Because a few years ago, an incredibly senile old man managed to go over 100% on the senilemeter, activating “Trade AI Off” in Real Life. Sadly, he forgot to turn off No Trade Clauses, meaning Tomas Kaberle for Jeff Carter and a 1st didn’t happen. Hasn’t stopped Leafs fans from thinking he’s available for the same return still ever since.

Why He’s a Pipe Dream: Immediately after that trade was blocked, Carter became the beast of a hockey player he is today, having a fantastic end of the year and playoffs in 07/08, scoring 46 in 08/09, and on a higher depthed team that had him getting lower minutes, still scoring 33 in 74 games this year. He’s a better player than he was then, and pretty much untradable in philly.

Jordan Staal

Why He’s Speculated: Pittsburgh has the two best centres in the world as their #1 and #2, so the #3, who’s no slouch himself, definitely has to be moved, right? On top of this, he’s a Staal, which continues the Ontarian factor.

Why He’s a Pipe Dream: All three of Pittsburgh’s centres, at worst case scenario, can play wing. Sidney Crosby has played RW in the past. Malkin plays LW on the powerplay and could probably do so full time. And Staal played a bit of RW himself in his rookie year. If they’re desperate to clear out centre depth, they just have to shuffle the deck a bit, not start trading.

Joe Thornton

Why He’s Speculated: The general consensus is that after another playoff exit that wasn’t the Finals, San Jose is going to rip the team’s core apart and start shipping people off for new players. Big Joe is the scapegoat for most playoff follies, so clearly he’s the odd man out, right?

Why He’s a Pipe Dream: Other than being one of the best players in the world on a daily basis and therefore trading him because the team thinks their roster is unlikely, one must think that Patrick Marleau would go first between the two, and Marleau just signed a decent lengthed extension with the team. While stranger things have happened and Thornton could hit the 2011 UFA market, he wont be traded unless the Sharks get a player of at least equal caliber.

Vincent Lecavalier

Why He’s Speculated: Tampa clearly had severe money issues, and will be looking to get Lecavalier out of the way due to his previous down year.

Why He’s a Pipe Dream: Lets just ignore the fact that Lecavalier is the captain of the team, and probably the best player in the teams history, and will probably never go anywhere. They also have a new owner, a new GM, a new coach, and they’re all committed to keeping this team competitive with Lecavalier at the drivers seat. On top of that, say he isn’t going to bounce back from last year. You’d want that for a decade at 8 million per? Burke wouldn’t take the chance.

Cody Hodgson

Why He’s Speculated: He’s been really awesome in the World Juniors, and goes on insane hot streaks playing for the Brampton Battallion. Thought to have issues with Canucks management. From Markham. Canucks could want Kaberle, its perfect!

Why He’s a Pipe Dream: Minus the fact that he still hasn’t proven a damn thing at the professional level, 2 years after being drafted, the reason he wants out of the Canucks, if true, is because they did a terrible job in helping him recover a SEVERE BACK INJURY. People talk about Marc Savard as if he’s damaged goods…this guy’s got a bad back before his 20th birthday! And even with that considered, the hype means Mike Gillis’ asking price for him will be nothing short of outrageous.

Alexander Semin

Why He’s Speculated: A very, very good winger with the Caps, he’s earning 6 million dollars to be the 3rd best forward on the team. Thought to want to test free agency at the end of next year, meaning he could be fed up with Washington.

Why He’s a Pipe Dream: George McPhee will do his best to keep that core together, and if he can’t, will want another star caliber forward back for him. Really, we’d have to give up Kessel straight up, and even then, that’s a questionable move. Semin is basically Mikhail Grabovski, but on the wing, and with the deadliest Wrist Shot in hockey. Which would be great, if that meant that other than skating in a straight line fast and taking wristers, he could do much else.

(Bonus 1) 2011 1st Round Pick, Toronto

Why It’s Speculated: Tank Nation. People don’t want this pick as a security factor, as many claim it to be. As long as this team doesn’t make the playoffs, there will always be a group of people who want us to drive this team into the ground until we’re comprised of 20 1st overall picks. Reacquiring this pick, for this reason, seems to be of a higher priority to people than any single thing in the Boston Bruins organization not named Tyler Seguin.

Why It’s a Pipe Dream: Burke has enough faith in the team that he probably will look elsewhere if he really needs a first round pick. Boston will probably raise the price of it if approached with assumptions the Leafs plan to tank, making the entire point of acquiring it rather moot.

(Bonus 2) Todd Bertuzzi

Why He’s Speculated: A significant history with Brian Burke, fans are concerned of Brian wanting another go at the aging forward, and overpaying him for the privilege (see Big Bert’s stint in Anaheim).

Why You Can Stop Worrying: Ignoring the fact his 2 year contract extension in Detroit will likely lead him into retirement, lets look into the main root of that Detroit signing – being that he didn’t want to go anywhere else, and during negotiations was actually quoted as saying that if he didn’t sign with the Wings, he would retire. Something tells me he has a no trade clause, and with it being a 2 year deal, something also tells me they’re happy to have him there. We can all breathe a sigh of relief, barring the Wings and Leafs swapping organizations, he should avoid the Leafs roster forever.

In the end, anything could indeed happen with these guys – again, stranger things have happened. In fact, if I wrote this exactly a year ago, my list probably would’ve had Dion Phaneuf on it. At the same time though, they certainly are by no means likely to be part of this organization at any point in the near future. Discussing teams is fun, discussing who may be expendable from us is fun too. But taking the same handful of unrealistic players and throwing them into speculations of “its going to happen, I promise!” or “I heard rumblings that…”, or any of that drivel, gets incredibly annoying and is detrimental to the sanity of the world.

Alright, that’s a bit much, but the point remains – can we please lay off the proposals for these guys, for everyone’s sake? Its for the best, I promise.